Getting Out of My Own Way

I’ve been looping. Hiding. Playing nice. But it’s time to stop abandoning myself and start owning what I bring to the table.

Diary Day 205: Bali, Indonesia

I was feeling pretty whiney this morning. Not a fan of Nusa Dua and all the resorts. Missing my villa and sauna. Didn’t sleep well in the hotel room. Even walking along the beach to watch the sunrise just felt so unlike my usual Bali experience. I hateee being in such touristy spots. I want the authentic.

And I was still feeling the frustration of leaving retreat early yesterday, hating going to a bar, having to deal with small talk etc. So I took to my stories to start sharing, cos that’s how I usually work through my frustrations.

Once I got over my initial whinge, I started to touch on some deeper points.

There’s been a recurring theme for me lately around self abandonment and belonging. This came up yesterday as I could feel myself starting to switch modes, getting into the tension of leaving the safety of the people who get me, and the environment I want to be in, to have to go back to the “real world”.

It’s been an ongoing thing I’ve been struggling with since I left Byron Bay. The constant question of, “where do I find my people?”. And recognising how much I carry that wounding around not belonging. I know where my people are in online spaces and I’m so grateful for those communities, but I really crave the in person.

And because of that there’s often a lot of self abandonment that happens. I want to try and fit in, I want people to like me. So I’ll tone certain things down, or I won’t stand my ground.

This is also what played out in my business for so long. I’ll just be the yes girl to everyone and won’t raise my rates. I still want to be liked by a certain community and I want to serve their work and their missions, then I get frustrated that people aren’t seeing my value and my worth.

But I’m the one that’s placing that on myself and not asserting my needs and actually claiming what I want to create. So that’s been a big thing that’s been kind of releasing this weekend.

And in terms of trading, we’ve been speaking about: “what identity does trading threaten, if we actually become successful?” What do we have to let go of and what do we have to leave behind?

There’s been this part of me that still holds on to the struggling artist and wanting to fit in with that story that creatives are just meant to suffer and struggle.

But actually, if I was successful at this stuff I would have the energy, the time, and the wealth to be able to go on artist residencies and writing retreats and all these things that I really want to do.

I’d have more time for my trading and to invest in other things I care about. Be able to go on more retreats like this and work with clients that really inspire me.

In that room the last few days, I just kept thinking: “THESE are the people I want to be working with!”

But I’ve been playing small and holding myself back because I thought that I had to cater to a particular type of business because I want to be the Tech Witch.

Maybe that’s the identity that needs to die too, or I just need to rewrite what that identity means. I get to choose who she speaks to. Who is magnetised. It’s all about the energy I put into it.

And this is why I don’t want to try and figure it all out on my own anymore because I just keep repeating through these same cycles of… kill it, don’t kill it, bring it back.

I know I want to do business, but clearly I’m not able to overcome this certain threshold, so I’m very excited because I’m finally going to be hiring a 1-1 coach who is just perfect for me. I’ve already been working with her in the trading community so I know I love her style. And all the people at the retreat that work with her 1-1 only have high things to say about her and the way she’s transformed their businesses.

It just reaches this point where you have to admit I can’t do this alone and I need support. I want support and I want to get out of my own way. I’m so tired of these same loops.

I think as well, that’s the beauty of going to events and spaces like this where you get to put yourself in rooms with people that you wouldn’t necessarily be with.

You get to hear their experiences and also see them as humans and take them off pedestals.

I often thought I wouldn’t be able to serve people at this kind of level cos I question what I have to offer them. But I know I’ve got so much to offer.

It’s just a matter of articulating it and putting it out there. Getting out of my own way and getting over myself to actually be on here. Cos somehow along the way I started to say: “I don’t want to be annoying and I don’t want to post all the time.” and I just started hiding.

I think it’s necessary sometimes too for us to recalibrate and do the inner work because once we do that then we get that clarity. I’ve definitely needed that.

I’ve needed this break over the last few months to put myself in this full on pain of: “I hate everything I’m doing right now and I absolutely need to change it”.

So that is what is happening!