From Dread to Flow

The shift that happens when you stop settling and start honouring what you really want

Diary Day 209: South Guildford, WA

I woke up in my cosy room, then walked out into other parts of the house which were freezing. Definitely not in sunny Bali anymore.

It was early and dark so I came back to bed and put on one of my favourite meditations. Drifted back to sleep for a bit.

Went downstairs to make a coffee and start my morning slow. Dreading logging on for my job today. Why did I agree to work from home instead of just waiting until I was back in Hedland next week as originally planned?!

Turned on the coffee machine. No coffee beans. Argh no food either. Ok, I’m gonna have to go out of the house and get some supplies.

Put on some warm clothes and head out the door. Drive to one of my favourite cafes. Order an oat cap with lions mane blend, plus a cheese and relish toastie. Do my journalling. Technically I should’ve been starting work. Can’t imagine anything is urgent, plus my manager doesn’t work Wednesday’s.

Take my time. Head to the shops intending to just duck in and get some food for the next few days. End up being captured by a European shoe shop. That’s definitely not been here before. And I LOVE a good European shoe. The quality is just sooo much better. Turns out it’s just a pop up store and they had so many boots and sparkly shoes. Everything I love. I managed to score some bargains, then went and did my food shop.

Home by 10am. Logged on for work then. As expected, nothing super urgent. I could feel the heavy feeling coming back. The dread. This isn’t what I’m meant to be doing. I got through the list my manager sent me and decided to log off early. Seriously, what’s the point of staying logged on when there’s nothing going on. I could’ve pretended I was doing stuff. That’s what most people in the office do all day long. But I had better things to do. And surely, they’d appreciate me being honest, over faking it and getting paid for doing nothing. This is why I can’t justify working in the office. Most of it is just time wasting. And to then go home to a place I hate, it all just feels so pointless. But good thing, I know I won’t be doing it for much longer. Part of me felt guilty as I responded to my manager’s email, but the stronger parts know, I have to do what’s right for me!

I ended up having two calls with two potential clients I’d been speaking with in Bali over the last week. Both signed up and we’re getting started. It really does get to be that EASY. All I needed was a quick change of scenery to remember what I’m here to do, who I’m here to serve, how I love to work, and what makes me thrive.

It feels soooo good to be back in the flooowww. To be doing work that feels aligned, with people whose visions actually make me feel alive. To be having conversations with people who are artists, dreamers, revolutionaries, travellers. Those who walk the unconventional path too.

I’m not meant for conventional. I’m not meant to settle. I felt such a shift in energy from logging into my work computer, vs logging onto these calls and feeling the alignment with these clients.

We don’t have to settle. We don’t have to stay stuck. We get to choose what’s right for us.

I guess it’s just a little reminder for anyone who feels like they’re in the thick of the voidy uncertainty right now. Things can shift really quickly. As long as you’re willing to face yourself and go to the depths of the discomfort, do the shadow work. And take time to look at what identity is holding you back.

I know there’s still work I need to do and this is why I’m hiring my own coach. And spending time getting clearer on who I want to work with moving forward.

But it just feels so different when you know you’re actually connecting with people who are aligned with your vision and purpose. It doesn’t feel heavy because there’s aliveness and alignment on values. There’s more at play than just going to work to get a pay check.

It’s like: “yes I fully believe in this thing and I believe in what you’re doing, I connect to who you are and what your mission is.” That’s always been more important to me — working with people who I really respect what they’re doing and really want to be part of building something that reaches more people and actually does make a difference in the world.

What I thought I was getting into with the job I started was just not at all what I expected and that’s fine, it was a lesson. I have learnt many lessons. But it’s ultimately given me the fire and drive I need to say no messing around anymore. I am here for bigger than that.

And the moment I really just claimed that and decided that again, opportunities started coming in. That’s always what happens and I know this stuff. I know it so well.

So now the question is, how do I maintain this without coming to that point where the chaos spiral happens again? That’s why I’m going to be working with a coach because I’ve recognised that’s a pattern. How do I interrupt that pattern? How do I make sure that I actually hold what I want to create and I actually sustain this work and maintain the clients that I bring forward?

Because there was a phase where I was working with clients for 1-2 years and had really solid business happening and then it just kind of fell away. I’m such a loyal person and I want to work with people who I can really build that loyalty with again. So now I’m at that phase where I know that’s what I want to create and that’s the caliber of people I’m calling in and it feels really good.