Between Routine and Reverie

Building foundations, craving chaos, and learning to create from stillness

Diary Day 252: South Guildford, WA

There’s something sweet about routine. About going to the same places each day. People start to recognise your face. Eventually they ask your name. I’m so used to travelling, being anonymous, being whoever I want to be on any given day. It’s nice to be seen again.

I had this sweet moment the other day. I was on my lunch break, wandering down to the IGA to get my daily dose of coconut water and the girl behind the counter made a comment. She’s noticed me coming in for the last few weeks and so she started a conversation. Now when I go to get my coconut water every day we have a little chat.

The same thing happened at the little French cafe I’ve been going to. I went in a few days in a row and the girl who served me got curious. It’s nice, it gives me a reason to keep going back to places.

Since starting my new job, I’m still trying to establish a routine that works for me. Mostly because I still don’t know where I’m going to be living. The mornings are still cold and dark. As are the nights. So what I would usually do to keep a more active routine isn’t happening. Instead, I’m finding ways to stay cosy.

I wake up early in the morning… like mega early. It’s 3:47am as I’m writing this. I like being up at this time. In the dark, when the world is silent. I light my candles and write. Before my mind gets clouded by all the noise. Then I’ll usually blow the candles out and go back to sleep for a couple of hours before I have to get up for work.

Once my mind is no longer swirling with words, I find it easier to rest again. I’ll usually put on some mindful music or a meditation and drift back off.

As the weather warms up and it gets light earlier, I’ll be more likely to go out for walks. I love my morning sunrise walks, but at the moment I’m enjoying the slower pace. Especially after not really having a winter in years.

This is the most winter I can handle lol.

I also like to make sure I have enough time before work to go sit at a cafe. That’s where I bring my journal and do my morning pages. I don’t ever want to be in a place where I’m rushing through the studio door, coffee in hand, cos I haven’t had a chance to savour my morning.

Days in the studio are never the same. I love what I’m doing. I get to have so many conversations with beautiful people. I love being behind the scenes in shoots. It feels like such an honour when people let you see them in their most naked and vulnerable form.

At lunch, I wander around the waterfront, soak up the sunshine, make sure I get a little movement in.

Evenings are slow as well. I get home from work, have some dinner, run a hot bath, play some meditative music and read in the bath. Soaking and relaxing for 1-2 hours before I turn in for bed. I was going through a phase of watching Netflix in the bath, but last week I snapped out of that and got back into reading.

So it feels like week by week, I’m forming better habits again. It’s a slow burn. Working my way back up to bigger things. But I’m just learning to let my nervous system have its rest. We’ve been running, burning, moving for months. There’s so much that my system is processing and releasing.

I feel guilt that I’m not further ahead in my trading. That I’ve lost sight of the education. That I’m not finding a way to make calls fit into my routine yet. But I’m trusting, that will click when it’s meant to. I’m not in a rush. I’m not wanting to force anything. Right now I’m focusing on making sure my basic needs are met.

I’m only 4 weeks into my new job. It’s nice that I have my parent’s place to land in while they’re away. But I know they’ll be back soon enough. And my sister will be moving back in too. So there’s this constant reminder, I have to figure out where I’m living. Monday I’m going to meet this girl whose home I will hopefully sublet. At least that will have me sorted until November. And then I’ll be in the location I want to be so I’ll be able to establish a better routine and use that time to keep viewing more long term housing options nearby.

I read yesterday that the Pisces Eclipse is an intervention. “Asking us to build scaffolding around our dreams, not just moodboards and wishful thinking. It’s saying stop escaping! Stop over-identifying with chaos. Call it what it is: fear. Now get to work!” ~ colorwecrazy

Interestingly, I’ve felt this within myself the last few weeks. Obviously I’m focusing on foundations. Having a stable job, establishing routine, finding a home. But even outside of work, I’m focusing on the things that truly light me up and support me. Reconnecting with friends, reading, writing, dancing.

These are the things that my soul always returns to. These are the things tugging at my heart. The whispers always say… this. This is what you’re here to do. Artistry in some form. Not technology. Not systems. Not business.

There’s also this part of me that is still coming to terms with routine and I think this is why I’m moving so slowly. Here’s what I wrote in my journal about it yesterday…

“I feel like I’m not ravishing life right now and that’s why the hunger is even more consuming. I want life to fuck me, make me feel something. I like the routine but it feels unsafe to me, not exciting enough. There’s no chaos and drama. I need something to make me feel ALIVE in all the ways I’ve felt in recent years. When I’m travelling. When I’m experiencing new things. It’s this constant dilemma. If I had money.. I wouldn’t be doing this. But I don’t have money unless I work, so I have to trust I’m where I’m meant to be.”

So how do I make sense of it? Because obviously I have bigger dreams… bigger goals… bigger visions. I still long to be living in Sicily. To write my tales of a witch reclaiming her homeland. To build my artist’s residency. And for all that… I obviously need money. Yet, whenever I try to do things that are overly fixated on money making… I resist. So what parts of my identity are still holding me back? And do I want to let them go? Do I really want to go through this world as someone who forgets about the art and beauty? No… so how do I maintain that artist identity, while also becoming someone who is good at generating wealth?

As I was doing my morning pages a few days ago, I was dreaming about all the things I can do when I have a home again. All the things I want to create. I have this feeling there’s something around art and shadow alchemy. Maybe some kind of ritual photography. Not necessarily me being the photographer, but me creating the rituals that become the scenes for people to indulge their shadow selves. The kinda scenes I’ve always loved creating for myself.

I don’t want to be a coach. I want to be the artist. Write the books. Create the scenes. This is what’s brewing in the void.

The artist just wants to play. I have this room where I can kind of let her be, but she’s been contained for too long. This is why I need a home base. A place to truly create something. I feel like my business ideas, all my creativity, all my eros is waiting for this. A safe haven, a sanctuary, to unravel and create.

And in the meantime, all I can do is trust and wait. Be ok with the ache.